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The Waking Down Process
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My Experiences with the Waking Down Work
Dear friends,
I was asked if I might be willing to relate my recent personal experience with the "Waking Down" work, of which Saniel Bonder is the originator. I have felt compelled to share what has been happening with me, but imagined that I would do so in some small setting when the time felt right. This broader, more public exposure feels very vulnerable, but I feel drawn to do it, so here goes.... All my life I have had an unshakable sense that at my core I am irreparably defective. Even though through incredible grace I had been shown so clearly by my teachers, Gangaji, Papaji, Ramana Maharshi and others, that the Truth of my Being is pure, unlimited, Conscious Awareness, and I had known this to be unshakably true for many years, I still could not reconcile this with the sense that at the core I felt irrevocably "bad". There were periods of time, especially after being with Papaji, where this haunting defectiveness seemed less palpable, yet it was only a matter of time before it would come undeniably into my experience again. I believed that it was just a thought, and not who I really was, but it felt like "original sin" that could never be erased. I also had tried many times to dive into and experience this defectiveness, but there was such huge defensiveness and resistance in my psyche that I was never able to do so. In the last year there was a somewhat hopeless resignation to the possibility that this might never change, as well as to the possibility that I might die and never fully live the Truth of who I Am in this lifetime. This spring, I heard about the "Waking Down" work from friends, and although I wasn't looking to explore any other paths, and in fact felt some disloyalty to my teachers in doing so, I found that somehow I had no choice. In June I attended a "Human Sun Seminar", where the ground of this work was presented and discussed and in July, I attended a "Waking Down Weekend", which was primarily experiential in nature. At the "Waking Down Weekend", the afternoon format consisted of a small group of participants working with a teacher and each sharing from the deepest possible place whatever was "up". When it was my turn, this defective feeling was very much present. CC Leigh, the teacher facilitating my small group, suggested that this defectiveness, instead of being just a thought, was true about me. This possibility stopped my mind and I fell into an inquiry of whether this could possibly be. In this exploration, I saw without a doubt that this defective, imperfect "me" is as completely and literally who I am as the endless sky of Being. I saw that in our humanity, we are inherently imperfect, that it is truly the human condition. With this seeing, my heart broke and I cried uncontrollably for the whole world, for all the pain, war, hate, prejudice and horror that springs from this seed of imperfection. From this heartbreak arose a huge compassion that embraces all the deepest horror and the most exquisite beauty. I saw that it is from this seed of imperfection or separation that the world is born. I also saw that before multiplicity, there is only one. All is literally the same one. Before this one, there is no thing. Yet, mysteriously, in That, which is less than one, all is seen and all is held, intimately and so deeply held, in the endless perfection that is all there Is. Since the Waking Down weekend there has been a continued unfolding of this realization. It feels like some tension wire was cut and that as a result I am finally able to just fall into and experience whatever is. Presently, this fall feels like a huge roller coaster ride. There has been a resurfacing of traumatic experiences from childhood as well as other repressed experiences and feelings. At times I feel completely overwhelmed and crazy and then at some point there is a curiosity about and a relaxation into my present experience. Afterward, my heart is often bursting with love and compassion and everything is so beautiful I can hardly stand it. It's a wild ride, but I am so grateful for all of it. This is what my heart has been longing for forever. I feel like I am truly alive for the first time. My surprising experience is that I am awake just as I am, with all my human limitations, faults, survival patterns, neuroses and wounding. Everything is included, that which I was most ashamed of and most defended against, as well as that which shines with brilliance from my unblemished endless Being. It is such a relief! I can finally be here fully in the world just as I am, nothing excluded. There is no need for transcendence, improvement or perfection, just the opportunity in each moment to fully be with what is. It seems important to note that for me, a vital component of this process seems to be that this Waking Down work happens in a context of "mutuality", or open, honest, true and supportive relationship. I have a strong pattern of difficulty trusting and feeling safe, and I think that I needed to know that there were arms to hold me, before I could really let myself fall. I don't think I ever felt safe enough before. This mutuality is truly a beautiful thing. Authentic relationship is not always neat and tidy, but there is a realness to it that I realize I was starving for. I have such a strong desire for all of humanity to know this, and to fall with me deeper and deeper into this mystery, which is both so ordinary and natural and at the same time so absolutely extraordinary. I am eternally grateful to Gangaji and Papaji and all my teachers, and I am eternally grateful to this Waking Down work, which for me has provided a crucial missing piece. Surprisingly, my experience is not uncommon. By some mysterious grace, this embodied awakening seems to be happening for many people who participate in this work. It is such a relief to finally embrace and enjoy being fully human and such an amazing mystery that in finally doing so, the endless depth of my Being is increasingly alive in my life. I wanted to share this with you so that if you feel drawn, you can take the opportunity to see if there is something here that touches you.
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